One of the worst things about breaking up is the loss of confidence you feel. These eight tips for getting your confidence back after a breakup will help you regain your lost self-esteem, and learn to love yourself again.
Getting your confidence back after a breakup involves taking control of your thoughts and behaviours. It’s about letting go of the person you broke up with and accepting that it’s time to move on.
“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” – Deborah Reber.
8 Tips for Getting Your Confidence Back
1. Listen to what you’re telling yourself.
After breaking up, some people tell themselves they’re worthless, meaningless, dumb, unlovable, fat, or not funny. They blame themselves for the breakup. Other people take the opposite extreme: they blame the other person for everything and refuse to take any responsibility for breaking up. Both extremes involve a lack of self-confidence.
What are you telling yourself about your break up? How has it affected your confidence and self-esteem? Write down three things you believe about yourself and the break up.
2. Challenge your thoughts
Look at your thoughts…are they really true? For instance, if you wrote “Nobody will ever love me again” – do you really believe that? Getting your confidence back involves challenging your thoughts and beliefs about yourself.
I’m reading Byron Katie’s Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. I love it because it’s about accepting your life and circumstances while moving forward to make things better. You don’t have to believe everything you think! It’s your thoughts that create pain…not your circumstances or the people in your life.
3. Do something different – challenge your mind.
I recently decided that I wanted to do something in psychology – I’m getting my degree in psychology and loving every minute. It’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for my self-confidence! It’s both scary and exciting, challenging and uplifting. Not to mention starting my own blog site, putting all on the line and depending on it for an income has snapped every feeling of self-doubt away from me.
What have you always wanted to do, try, experience, see, or be? Start meeting new people, and notice how charming and kind you are. Reward yourself for taking risks – especially if you feel like you failed!
4. Volunteer – Participate In Meaningful Work or Service.
“The next to the last tip is to reach out and help others in greater need than you. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, visit an elderly home, or engage in other types of meaningful work or community service. Realize how fortunate you are. Let service fill your heart with love and gratitude, and come back with a new perspective.” Break up or no break up, volunteering changes how you see yourself and the world.
5. Avoid Escape Routes
Experiencing a breakup or divorce can be scary and one of our primal survival instincts tells us to flee from anything painful. It can be challenging to just sit with feelings and body sensations regarding your loss. You might find yourself using escape routes to avoid your feelings of grief, shame, insecurity, anger, and fear.
Pay attention to your behaviour and notice if you are searching for an escape route to avoid pain. If you identify a possible escape route you are using, stop engaging in the behaviour, sit, do nothing, and just be with your feelings and body sensations instead. Here are some possible forms of escape:
- Getting involved in a new love interest too soon after your breakup. Staying overly busy at work as a form of distraction.
- Engaging in addictive behaviour such as food, drugs, alcohol, or an activity.
- Obsessing on the details of things like managing your kids’ lives, a project, etc.
- Becoming attached to a particular routine.
6. Find a hobby
Can you afford to take up music class, play the piano or some musical instrument? I was already very active, Step Class at the Spartan Health Club was my place of solace, I would work up a sweat and for some reason it made a difference, exercise is certainly a confidence builder.
7. Get out of town
Can you afford to go on vacation for a month, week, weekend, or even a day? Challenge yourself and go alone – you’ll be surprised at how easy it is to meet people! I’ve taken many, many solo vacations to places like Europe and Islands in the Caribbean. Staying in hostels makes it super easy to socialize. It is important that your life counts.
8. Create Healthy Risks
You loved someone. You took a risk. After your breakup or divorce you may be reluctant to take all different kinds of risks because you are afraid of feeling any sort of emotional pain. Start small and create healthy risks that you can build upon. For instance, maybe you haven’t ridden your bike in a couple of years and you start riding on the weekend. Later when you’re feeling more confident, perhaps you build on this experience and join a group of people who ride bikes, learn how to repair your bike, or even take a bike trip.
In the beginning, choose a healthy risk (preferably not related to a love interest) where you can feel safe and have some control over decision-making. Later when you feel more confident, start letting go of control more and more so taking risks, trying, failing, and mastering feels like a natural part of who you are again.
My prayer for you is that you reconnect with God, and learn how to love yourself the way He does. May you trust Him to give you what you need in your life, not what you want. May He give you strength, courage, and confidence to pursue the life of your dreams, then move forward in faith and you will achieve.