In a conversation I had with a relative of mine, it was brought to my attention that he ex-husband is a hoarder, I listened to the conversation as I have never had an experience like that before, then I realized that there was a TV series out on hoarding and I decided to have a look. It was very sad to see how these folks were treated and when I analysed the whole thing, most of us are sometimes stuck on one thing or another, the difference with us and hoarders is that it is more visible with them, but we are just as stuck as they are, there is indeed a difference between healing and moving on.
First, there’s the two-day cleaning crew that removes hundreds of bags of trash and rips out the carpets (both typically at the protest of the person who lives there).
Then comes the shiny new GE appliances from the good people at Sears.
Next, add the almost-famous interior decorator who looks directly into the camera and explains how chevron patterns are easy to paint on any wall and add fresh dimension to small spaces.
Finally, there’s the actual tenant of the home, who goes from being lost in the emotional rubble (figuratively and clearly literally) to being told that everything is okay because someone else cleaned up their mess. A year later, their house is back to the way it was because, while everything was changed, nothing was healed.
Healing and changing are not always mutually exclusive, but they can be. The relationship between healing and changing is directly related to a simple truth something that I have observed over years of interacting with persons as a relationship coach using social media, as well as from my own personal development:
You can change without healing, but you can’t heal without changing.
That’s the great part about really doing the work to heal something. If you genuinely address what’s wrong, what’s truly hurting you, what the real reason is that keeps you repeating the patterns that you can only ever seem to change temporarily— if you really address what needs to be healed internally instead of what you’d like to see change externally, the change happens naturally.
Change born from healing is the best kind because it feels effortless, inspired — and it actually lasts.
After hurt, I realized that there was something I had to do because the hate was tearing me apart, the confusion and not to mention the rejection, so I started searching, researching, reading, observing, discovering and then I found something I was passionate about, interacting with people, the more I understood why persons behave the way they do was the day my healing started, then I realized that I did not have to force anything it would happen naturally.
These ostensibly random little bubbles of change that surface often come as a surprise to the person who is in the midst of the healing process; they’re a surprise because the person isn’t necessarily working on them:
“And so when the call came from my ex to do her a favour there was no anger, no pain, just a willingness to do something for someone that I actually care about” If she said she wanted to work on us, I could objectively look at the possibility and decide for or against based on the facts and not my emotional deformity or hoarding of my anger.
I was doing stuff as a way of distracting myself from the pain that I was feeling, but the moment I knew I was healed was when I decided to do things because I enjoyed doing them and it actually meant something to me.
“She decided to come home for a short vacation, she is now living overseas and asked if I could come and get her at the airport, immediately I said of course” It was a beautiful feeling when you are able to look someone in the eye that you once cared about so much that when you lost them you felt your world was falling apart and then you feel now love but the kind of love that is accepting and liberating.
When you really work to address the invisible parts of your life that need your attention, the visible (i.e. behavioural) parts so often work themselves out naturally.
Don’t know how to cut through to the heart of the matter and begin to heal? That’s perfectly fine.
It’s okay (and wildly common) to not know how to even begin to deal with the major stuff that you’re aware you need to address. In fact, just being aware of what you need to change is a substantial start in and of itself.
Healing and Moving on
We have a tendency to solutions, answers… when something happens or first question is why? However in life sometimes without the answer or an answer in mind we can take the first step, just pay attention to our needs today, then when tomorrow comes we take care of that too and we continue to making those steps until by golly we are healed.