Now that the relationship is over you can chart a new life, new prospects and even though you hurt at least the opportunity for something new is making you a little giddy inside. You fought for it, maybe pregnancy is another concern, in your desperation you had unprotected sex.
You are not feeling so good, you tried that last time to make it right, a desperate attempt to turn the nightmare of a failing relationship/marriage around, so it failed but why are you feeling this way? You are late and so you panic and when you confirm it is true ‘you are pregnant’!
This is the worse time to be pregnant when you know in your heart that you are over with your partner, well you were not sure but you needed the break to think and feel your soul again and now this. The questions are mounting in your head:
- It was not planned?
- Did the contraception fail?
- Was the pregnancy manipulated by you in an effort to keep the relationship alive (a question that must be considered)?
- Did you actually wanted a child?
All these are questions you need to ask yourself in your attempt to repair and heal your relationship, in other words you have to be as honest as possible. I have seen too many relationships at a crossroads and pregnancy can either bring the healing to a failing relationship or push it in total disrepair.
My hope is that after finding out your are pregnant you do not fall apart but you are able to make an intelligent decision for you.
You are now feeling alone and anxious, a million and one questions are floating through your mind, this is the point a person will make mistakes; they act out of desperation, so calm yourself down. Think about the things that calm you down and redirect your energy to that happy place. After you clear your mind, it is time to share with a confidant or a friend, maybe a close relative that you know you can trust. Then when you think you are at a calm place then you can break the news to your partner, whether they be an ex, a failing and hopeless relationship/marriage.
What are you to do?
- One of the most important things to do is to address the lack of communication. You’re not going to achieve anything by constantly repeating yourself and arguing the same point.
- Find out what the real cause is of your partner or husband’s apparent displeasure – it may not be what he says it is. There may be an underlying, undisclosed problem – particularly if there appears to be absolutely no logical sense to his argument. Also, he may not see it as ‘cool’ to discuss his fears, particularly now that you’re more in need. However, you can only begin to address the problem when you know what it is.
- Talk to a trusted person – a professional or a wise, non-judgemental person in your own environment to off-load and to get a different perspective.
- You can only really problem-solve if you are calm. So, if you ever intended to learn how to become calm then now is the time. If you haven’t got the patience, then try as best as possible to cultivate it. All you have to do is lie back and enjoy.
- Work towards repairing your relationship if you can. I find Lee Baucom’s method the best there is, you can Google it.
- You may be in crisis now, so it’s really important that the both of you try as best you can to meet your essential emotional needs.
- Continue to communicate respectfully at the very least, whilst you’re problem solving. It doesn’t not matter if you hear those ridiculous statements coming from your partner’s mouth, never say anything that you may have to take back or apologise for.
- Pay attention particularly to what is going well in your relationship (unless you’re in an abusive relationship). Focus on that and do more with/of that.
- Take responsibility… don’t hand that over to your partner or husband, as in: “If he behaves differently then I’m okay”. That makes you very vulnerable and don’t forget – you can’t change him anyway. One of your most essential emotional needs is to have some sense of control – knowing and feeling that you can affect your environment, your way of life and your emotions. Take charge of yourself – not of your partner – and this will help you so much.
- Get as much support around you as you can. Make no judgements about what people should offer. Some will be good with practical support, some with emotional support, while others will take your mind of your problems by making you laugh. It all helps.
Yes you are pregnant and it’s a big deal, but it cannot be any worse than the Tōhoku Earthquake and Tsunami (2011) now that was a disaster. You are going to be okay, something led you to be reading this article and I hope it provided the right tone for you and your little bundle of joy to come.