Last night I was home just watching the NFL, it was the Eagles versus Giants, Vince Young drove the Eagles in the Fourth Quarter to 17 points beating the Giants 17-10, not that it mattered either way to me, but it was interesting just to sit and sometimes watch these guys and how their supporters are all into it. When I got up from the match, for the first time in a long time there was pretty much nothing left to do, and I did not feel like sleeping. Oh I could wait up to watch Dexter on Showtime!!!
Then suddenly a dark lonely feeling came over me, I am going through a divorce, papers are already filed in the Courts, it is just a wait and see now, I did explore a relationship with a wonderful girl, but it just fell apart, I was still healing, my head was asking questions that indicated I was still in the process of understanding, growing and getting to that place where I was healthy again, so we broke up for what I would conclude as just not being ready for an intimate relationship.
I made a decision to spend some time with me, to date me, to get to know me, and to wait until I am fully healed and ready to take on another relationship. So far I am doing great, but last night got me unexpectedly. I wanted someone in my space, someone to hug and kiss and tell me that it is going to be okay, that special person in my corner, just to be there. See my situation is strange, for some reason people like us the separated ones who are healing are left out in adverts and the general happenings in our society. We cater to the singles, married and persons in relationships, but for those of us in between it is a lonely road.
What also contributes to this limbo is the fact that I am a member of a congregation that frowns upon a persons who if not divorced should not be in a relationship, it would be tacky to walk around with a sign on my forehead to say I am going through a divorce; when I say to someone I am going through a divorce their first reaction is, ‘I am so sorry!’ What are they sorry about? Divorce is not a bad word, it is just two persons who signed a contract and decided that they made a mistake, irrespective of what contributed to the breakup, we live in a world of trial and error that is just how we learn, I do not mean to sound insensitive or cynical.
Well I just broke down and cried, not because I wanted her back, not because I was sorry for myself and not because I did not understand the position that I was in, but because there is nothing I could do about my feeling of loneliness. Thought about calling up a friend to hang out, but I thought better of it, experience dictated otherwise, sometimes you just have to leave your friends out of it and play your guitar.
I am separated and lonely, sometimes I feel like a hermit at home and I am not big on having loads of persons come over for movie night or stuff like that, I just prefer one on one or being out with friends. What do you do when you are lonely and separated? It is difficult at times I must say, the feeling can hit you out of nowhere at any time; here is what I think we could do.
I recommend while we are waiting for healing and transitioning is to think about how to “complete” you who is the sole source of your happiness. My happiness is not defined by being in a relationship or a great marriage.
Why is this?
If we don’t quite have the relationship we want, we may be putting the responsibility for our emotions on others. In other words, we’re putting our happiness in the hands of things that are outside of our control (namely, other people),
As long as we look to others for our happiness and love, we’ll constantly be the victims of however they choose to react.
When we don’t get what we want from our relationship (which will invariably happen from time to time), we end up feeling bad.
When that hot girl didn’t want to go out with you… when your wife didn’t sweep you off your feet when she came home… when your girlfriend told you that she didn’t want to see you anymore.
These sorts of things feel bad because we decide to stake our happiness on other people and their reactions to us. That was the essence of my loneliness, other people, and it just came home to me while I was there tearing up.
So instead looking for love or happiness outside myself, and instead of looking for someone else to fill me up, we can first love ourselves and take responsibility for our own emotions.
By changing this, I decided I could instead learn to manage my own emotions and find joy and happiness within myself.
What this does is that it fills me up with love first, so that I go into my next relationship full of love and not asking someone else to validate me or to make me “okay” by loving me. If nobody comes along I will be fine either way, I do not have to compromise my integrity, sleeping with a woman who I have no intention of having a relationship with.
Now, it may not seem easy to make this transformation. (Sounds good doesn’t it, but I think this is the hardest thing I am going to try to accomplish!)
But, once I can take responsibility for my own feelings I’ll be in much more control of how I feel and much more likely to welcome love into my life. This is what I have been doing and I am now sharing it with you, because honestly, it works, it is certainly helping me.
These days so many people are busy and spread too thin with work and other commitments that we hardly take the time to nourish ourselves.
So, I’d like you to find the time to take yourself out on a date.
The key here is to do this alone, you have to do something that you genuinely enjoy doing.
You might take yourself out to a nice dinner at your favourite restaurant (no, fast food doesn’t count!).
You might take yourself out for a hike in nature.
Or you might just stay in with a book you’ve been meaning to read and a glass of wine.
The most important thing is that it is something that you enjoy.
Now you may have to confront some limiting beliefs like “I can’t go out to a nice place by myself!” or “It’s not worth spending this much money on myself!”
Just push through those limiting beliefs and treat yourself to something nice.
What you’re doing is challenging this belief and starting to replace it with a new one: a belief that, yes, you are worth it!