Whenever we begin a new relationship, there appears to be certain games that many people play, consciously or unconsciously. It can be maddening.
It was my first experience with this, not happy I had it at the time but I grew up, I was so excited about a new relationship that had been going on for two months. I accidentally called a wrong number and the conversation started. For some reason there was something that was sensuous about her voice, it just sucked you in, then I started day dreaming about places to go, when we were going to meet, the hope that what was described was indeed accurate.
Meeting her for the first time was magical, she was a hit, in fact she was more amazing than I could ever imagine, it was not difficult to fall for a woman so stunning.
We went out a couple of times and within the month we were in a steady relationship. There were times I felt fear, what if I said or done anything wrong that would turn her off, so I listened to her and what she liked and tried to mimic this as much as I could. There were qualities about me that I was afraid to express, but thought it necessary to hold back until I was comfortable enough to share.
It’s the question that keeps so many of us from pursuing our hearts and our feelings, the ‘what ifs’.
Yeah I said it, “I love you!” it came out of me like a bolt of lightning and I felt this energy when she said it back to me, gosh, so this is what love feels like.
We had our first argument, something very silly in my book, but just like that after a couple of months, my first love was gone. I was beside myself, asking questions of friends who pretty told me not to go after her, some said ‘to go for it’, write a letter, send a note of apology even if you think you did nothing wrong; what was I supposed to do? The pain was unbearable.
I don’t have the answers even after many years of my first heartbreak, but I find the whole thing intriguing because we’re so often concerned with our own self-protection, we may end up sabotaging the real potential of the relationship and feelings in front of us. We’re so concerned about being hurt; we deny the possibility of a reality in which we’re happy. I’d call it self-sabotaging, but that’s too dramatic. I’m not always certain people make these decisions consciously, either; it may very well be an unconscious reaction or behaviour, occurring “in the moment.”