A successful marriage is one of the best things you can do for yourself, the big question is what are the qualities that makes for a great marriage?
It is always good when you have good examples around you, however what should you do if you are not seeing good examples are you.
When I need a direction the person I talk to is my dad, a simple man with years of experience when it comes on to life, so in our conversation he shared a few things that i will share with you.
Chemistry was his first answer.
“Chemistry is not everything,” he said, “but if the chemistry is not there, that’s a tough thing to overcome. If the chemistry is more there for one person than the other, that’s tough to overcome. It’s hard to build passion if it’s low at the beginning. If I could find a way to build passion where passion was low, I’d be richer than the rocky fella guy.”
But it’s not just sexual chemistry, that makes for a successful marriage. What you might call social chemistry plays a crucial role — the way you feel when you’re with the other person. In his experience, when people have affairs, it’s more than simple lust — it’s also about the way they feel when they’re around the other person.
That sense of “how I feel” can be investigated further by looking at the work of Canadian psychologist Eric Berne. Back in the 1950s and ’60s, Berne developed “transactional analysis,” a model that tried to provide an account of how two people in a relationship interact, or transact.
The parent, the things you have been taught over the years.
The child, what you have felt while growing up.
The Adult, the things you have learned from experiencing.
When you put all that together when persons get together you will find that one person is fun-loving and laid back, the other person is nurturing and responsible, so we end up wanting what we do not have and so a nice balance. What we find however is that combination is not sustainable as the responsible one is now tired of being responsible and will attack the fun-loving and nurturing partner.
People have to come to terms with the reality that “we really are different people. You are different from who I thought you were or wanted you to be. We have different ideas, different feelings, different interests.” That will never change, we want different things will always be a conversation couples will have, how do we approach this.
Differentiation has two components. There is self-differentiation: “This is who I am and what I want.” This refers to the development of an independent sense of self: to know what I want, think, feel, desire. …
The second involves differentiation from the other. When this is successful, the members of the couple have the capacity to be separate from each other and involved at the same time.
The successful marriage is learning to accept the differences in each other and to be able to co-exist despite the differences.
My favourite basketball team is the Golden State Warriors, they had talent however they were not able to even get to the playoffs. They got a Coach name Steve Kerr and when I listened to his philosophy this is what I have observed. Now, as a coach, Kerr can give off a similar vibe: The Guy Who Just Got Lucky. He merely inherited a great team, Kerr tells you. It’s all about the players, he stresses. Don’t talk to me, talk to my assistants — they’re the ones doing the real work. This story? Kerr doesn’t want it to be about him. Really, he says, there are more important things to write about.
What? Is it really that simple?
My dad has been sharing with me for the last couple of months that the real answer to a successful marriage is to not make it about you, make it about the person you are with. How can we make it about the person when ego plays a big part of who we are.
“If you’re living together and your partner is away for a couple days and you see a favorite scarf, a pair of shoes, or another article of clothing that’s important to them, how do you feel?” Pearson asked. “Do you feel annoyed that you have to pick up the clutter, or does it bring up happy memories?”
A successful Marriage
We can talk about the components that makes up a successful marriage all day, sounds good doesn’t it, however putting all that into practice is the hard part, making it a habit especially if it doesn’t come easy to you is the hard part.
Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest into them daily. Accomplishing the items listed above will always require nearly every bit of yourself… but it so worth it. After all, a successful marriage is far more valuable than most of temporal things we chase after with our lives. And will always last longer.
If you are married and it is not going well you can turn it around, if you are single it would be good to start developing these qualities… do not be afraid. It is significant to note that Adam had everything but felt alone, God created woman took a rib from his side and created woman and despite our human failures a successful marriage is still achievable.