The relationship is great! Communication has never been so good, in fact for the number of months you have been seen each other, you wonder if there could ever be a quarrel between you both. Yes you have seen some tense times, people are different but you both catch it early and divert, perfect!
The problem with that is if it’s too good to be true, it normally is, and sometimes your relationship crashes so hard when it falls, it is like humpty Dumpty, no one can put it together again. This is the best time to discuss space in a relationship, because irrespective of who you are and what your relationship represents, space is as healthy as quality time.
It is human nature to end up feeling imprisoned by the sense of being permanently glued together and always having to rely on one another for a source of fulfilment in everyday life. To be whole, it is important for all of us to feel autonomous as well as attached. To avoid this “benign” trap of habit that leads to over-reliance on one person, it is important to recognize the over-attachment and to talk honestly and supportive with one another about practical and positive solutions that will allow both of you the room to grow individually within a partnership.
Signs that something is off is when you are away from each other, are you feeling anxious, missing your partner constantly and not feeling yourself when your partner is not around then you need to back up a bit. When you sit to plan, do you find you are unable to make any positive moves without your partner’s involvement, and do you find when you see your partner talking to others for a significant period of time you get jealous? It is time to pay attention.
A co-dependent Relationship is one that if not careful can hurt your relationship is such a disastrous way. In fact, they are about intensity, perfectionism and taking oneself and one’s relationship too seriously. There is a sense of controlling one another and dire mutual need for each other that comes about from such previous problems as an emotionally traumatized upbringing, a fear of losing people or simply not having much sense of purpose in one’s own life and replacing that with another person. Basically, those in a co-dependent relationship feel an inability to “stand alone” and are trying together to complete a whole from two broken halves. If you do feel this is the underlying problem, both of you may need to seek professional assistance, as together it is likely you will only continue this needy behaviour without neutral, outside intervention. Part of the recovery process for a couple in a co-dependent relationship is learning to lighten up, have fun and play together and apart.
Talking it over is normally the best approach, it is so disconcerting when you try to talk to your possessive partner and they really cannot see the angle you are coming from, all they do is compare and contrast and not seeing the bigger picture, but there is a way in communicating your feelings to your partner and that is using the “I” instead of you the “YOU”, it works. Once you can get that out of your system then you can talk about trusting a partner to go on a weekend fishing trip or a trip to a famous spot of interest on a weekend with their friends; go and book into a spa or golf weekend to treat yourself during such a break from one another to prevent yourself from moping and bringing down your side of the bargain. What is sad was when a friend of mine and his girlfriend broke up, she was unable to function for months, friends had to come in and assist her with her car, standard bill payment online was a task, the house she lived in become musty from things that were not done, she was just unable to function, clearly the relationship was not healthy for her.
Reassure your partner. Tell your partner that adjusting space for optimum growth of both individuals and the couple is an ongoing need in all relationships. Successful couples are prepared to readjust distance between one another – both when getting too close and when moving too far apart. Reassure your partner that if they feel you are pulling away too much, all it takes is to tell you this and you will stop, drop everything and listen to your partner’s concerns. Also reassure them that this is not about wanting permanent space from your partner; it’s about allowing for “growth space” as you continue to share your lives and love together. Naturally, during times of illness, distress or other difficult situations, the relationship needs change and you will both be strong enough to move with this and make additional adjustments as needed.