You are noticing this feeling of being unhappy with your partner, you search for answers but the answers do not come, something is wrong but you cannot put a finger on it and you wonder in your heart if you are with the right person?
The argument starts and you are beside yourself, how your partner not spreading the bed can be such an overwhelming issue to you, maybe you do not love this person and could be settling, in fact you probably never loved them in the first place, that girl/guy you dated 6 years ago could be the right one, why didn’t you fight for that relationship, maybe your true love is out there somewhere, this is just not working, you are unhappy!
We have news for you: your partner likely has nothing to do with how hurt you feel.
When you’re this hurt and convinced your partner is the cause of your pain, you’re almost certainly projecting. And when you project, you wholeheartedly believe your problem is one thing, but it actually comes from something else.
Projection happens when we blame our partners for old hurts. We don’t do it consciously. Conflict triggers unresolved issues from our past – including childhood wounds and disappointments from previous relationships. There are signs that you can look for if it’s really time to quit.
It FEELS as if the other person is the cause of our upset, because, after all, he or she is right there with us and so they must be the problem. What else could it be?!
But projection keeps us from understanding the true source of our pain.
When you’re convinced your partner is to blame, you’re unable to see how your past has contributed to what you feel in the present moment. You cast a blind eye to the fundamental issues that are triggering you now.
Moreover, projection prevents us from resolving those underlying issues, thus recycling the same negative patterns again and again. And unless you recognize and address the projection, you will keep repeating the same patterns in this relationship or from partner to partner – preventing you from truly moving on from fights and authentically connecting with those you love.
In this message, we’ll show you how to break that cycle so that you can finally resolve long-standing relationship problems.
3 Ways to Know You’re Projecting
First, let’s look at how projection shows up and how it feels in your body:
It is important to note some basic principles and one important one is, if you find that in your assessment you feel justified that you are not the problem and your partner should take all the blame then this is being judgmental and it is impossible for one person to take full responsibility for a breakdown, if you keep that at the forefront of your thoughts then it becomes easier to resolve conflict.
Another important thing to bear in mind is if simple things are leaving you feeling hopeless and annoyed for days then this is another sign you are projecting. She washes the dishes and you are passing and noticed a plate are two is not done properly, you attack her about it, chances are it is not the plate but other things are affecting your thoughts.
Feels like life or death:
Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety or panic during an argument with your spouse? The need to resolve something right here, right now is a signal that you’re likely bringing a past traumatic event into the present moment, you may not be unhappy with your partner but situations in present may trigger feeling of hurt in the past.
Projection is not an excuse for abuse in a relationship. If you find yourself in a situation that compromises your well-being, we urge you to seek appropriate professional help.)
Why Projection Keeps You Stuck and deplete Love
Interactions between partners are rarely one-sided.
Blaming your partner keeps you from discovering your part in the dynamic, and it results in what we call an “entanglement.”
In my conversation with those on relationshiptalk.net I am discovering when some folks come on they start attacking the partner, they will list several things about what the partner did in causing the relationship to be in the state that it is in, not taking into consideration what they bring to the table of that state. When the conversation starts they then discover that sometimes they are the reason for the trigger, sure sometimes your partner takes it to another level, threatening the very relationship they vow for better or worse, however they would not have gone there if not provoked.
Unhappy with your partner
Entanglements may look like relationships on the surface: you spend a lot of time together, maybe you even live together. You’re a “couple.” But entanglements lack a central component of real relationships: harmony. And projection is a key characteristic of entanglements.
In fact, we can say with certainty that projection is the central energy drain in entangled relationships.
When two people are unconsciously playing out old wounds with each other, they create a situation fraught with blame and discord – the opposite of a harmonious relationship.
There are those couple for example are so bitten by the past that this particular person in her relationship decided that getting engaged is not necessary for her, she has had a few and they did not lead to marriage, the fear is so real for her that she shared with her partner that she just wants to be married and forget about being engaged.
Sometimes hurt is deep into our subconscious that our present relationship can take a beaten because we have not been properly healed from the past and so we are not reacting to the present situation, we are reacting to the past, you may not be unhappy with your partner but unhappy with yourself.
The next time we decide to be angry at our partner, the next time we feel that anxious feeling and tightening of our chest if something is going in the wrong direction, then maybe we need to do the introspection first before lashing out at our partners.