For some of us relationships can appear very difficult, breakups are even harder and the more breakups you experience the more you just feel like throwing in the towel. What do you need to do in creating a healthy relationship?
Each person brings to their relationship a set of attitudes and beliefs; their unique perspective on the world based on their past and present experience. To become a couple we have to find ways to accommodate our differences while still holding on to our individual identities. Finding that balance is sometimes where the problem arises, the power struggle stage of the relationship and if you are not knowledgeable then it is another breakup, another heartbreak and that can be very frustrating.
One piece of advice is to look at this as a journey. You might expect your partner to join you in your journey but they might not have the same expectations. This can lead to separate journeys running in parallel. But there is a way of bringing together different perspectives; it begins with knowing enough about yourself and each other to know what you can and can’t accept. A critical element in reaching the point where both partners feel “we can” is for me to know and understand my partner enough to appreciate what they are giving up, and vice versa.
Insight will help you work out how to find your happy compromise and avoid relationship issues. We hardly take the time to discover ourselves and as a result we are not sure what we want from a relationship, we are attracted to someone they too may not be sure about what they want from a relationship and both individuals are now learning how to relate to each other, it might be very difficult after the honeymoon period has passed to reconcile where to go next if you both have very few things in common. It will appear that you do while in the honeymoon stage but when that has passed, the true test you are at that crossroad during the power struggle stage of your relationship.
Mutuality is another factor that is important.
Mutual love, however, means you can feel secure that you both love and are loved equally, and are approximately equal in your energy for staying together. There are four major areas of mutuality that must be present if a relationship is to succeed and grow: love, benefit, trust and support.
I enjoy going to the gym, I would leave home at 5 a.m. in the morning just to hit the gym, this activity prepares me for the stressful day ahead. It was difficult for me when I got married to someone who before marriage said nothing about this activity but after marriage kept complaining she would prefer if I stayed in bed with her and why could I not do it in the evening, situations like these though simple can destroy a relationship.
A secure partner should support the activity if they understand how important it is by asking questions and deciding to support the activity than to be constantly complaining about it. People should take the time to talk about what is important to them, there are just some things you may not be willing to compromise on, irrespective of how trivial it may appear to you, it could be something that is considered very serious by your partner, open and honest dialogue can help and if difficult a trusted confidant or counselling can help. Love is the constantly renewing energy that keeps a commitment alive. When both partners feel loved, and both feel appreciated for being loving, commitment can thrive.
The Last factor is Emotion Regulation or regulation of emotion is the ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience with the range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable and sufficiently flexible to permit spontaneous reactions as well as the ability to delay spontaneous reactions as needed.
It is amazing to observe how persons will behave at work, school and church and even in public especially when they are public servants. I will use my dad as an example. When I was young everyone that knew my father loved him, they would talk great things about his cool personality, they could talk to him about anything and he would show compassion and was always supportive. At home we saw a different man, he never smiled and if we crossed the line we would get it.
You were not sure what mood he was coming home with, so we had to be quiet around him, always tip toeing or else! This is how some persons are at home, for some reason they think that talking to their partner any way they feel only for the partner to be forgiving and loving nonetheless, but it doesn’t work like that, the same personality that you know will bring persons to appreciating you is the same personality you should display with the one you love. If you are having a stressful day then be aware of your needs and communicate these needs to your partner, if you find that you are stressing then it is good to as for time, hang out with some friends, do something different, but do not expect your partner to mind read and project.
Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment.
Mindful people learn to be aware of the breaths they take, the tension in their muscles and even their pulse rates. They bite their food slowly and intentionally, and listen to their body for cues that they are full. They can objectively observe themselves in difficult moments, confident that even these times will pass.
Let us strive for healthier relationships, it is not impossible.